You’re so well behaved. Stop already!

The phrase “killing me with kindness” dates back to at least the 16th century: it refers to someone smothering another person with excessive kindness—either intentionally or unintentionally—to the point where it becomes harmful, manipulative, or exhausting. I share this to reinforce the notion that anything in excess, even kindness, can be detrimental to yourself and others.

If you are part of a marginalized group, you’ve likely been conditioned to shut up, mind your business, and don’t rock the boat, and there is a reason for that. It does provide a level of self-protection but, when taken to an extreme, that protection becomes a cage where you are both safe and imprisoned. This condition of being both safe and imprisoned trains us to operate from a place of fear. A place where your first instinct is, “don’t rock the boat,” and your personal WILL takes a backseat to “maintaining the peace.”

This is a completely valid survival strategy, which I have employed in my own life. Lately however, I have wondered whether this niceness, this compliance, is serving me in the grand scheme of things. I wondered…have I actually forgotten how to resist? For me, the answer was yes. This may be shocking to people who know me. I’m generally described as someone who “speaks truth to power” but the truth is, I tend to participate in what I would call low-stakes push back; pushback where I know the risks, and the risks are low, or acceptable, and maybe even desirable. But, with a great deal of reflection, I can honestly say I don’t push back when it really matters. I keep quiet. Pack that shit away, then wake up in a cold sweat a decade later full of regret.

With this revelation I set out to do some research; Afterall, I wasn’t always a rule-follower, in fact in my youth a was a big-time pot-stirrer. I wanted to know what happened to me. I wanted to know what happened to US…and if we can undo the conditioning. Enter, Anarchist Calisthenics.

What Is Anarchist Calisthenics?

Political theorist James C. Scott introduced the term "Anarchist Calisthenics" to describe small, everyday acts of noncompliance that serve as exercises in civil disobedience. These minor infractions—like jaywalking when the street is empty—aren't about creating chaos but about maintaining one's autonomy and sharpening the ability to discern when rules serve justice and when they serve oppression.

The Psychology Behind Our Obedience

Our propensity to obey authority figures has been extensively studied in social psychology. Stanley Milgram's infamous experiments in the 1960s revealed that ordinary people could be compelled to administer what they believed were painful electric shocks to others when instructed by an authority figure. Remarkably, 65% of participants continued to the maximum voltage level, demonstrating the powerful influence of authority on human behavior.

Similarly, Solomon Asch's conformity experiments in the 1950s showed that individuals would often conform to a majority opinion, even when it was clearly incorrect. When confederates in the study unanimously chose the wrong line in a visual test, about 75% of participants conformed at least once, highlighting our deep-seated desire to fit in with the group.

These studies underscore a critical point: our social conditioning primes us to follow rules and conform to group norms, sometimes at the expense of our own judgment and ethical standards.

The Necessity of Deprogramming

Given this conditioning, engaging in what Scott terms "Anarchist Calisthenics" becomes a form of psychological deprogramming. It's a way to reclaim personal agency by consciously deciding when to adhere to rules and when to question them. This practice is particularly pertinent for those who have been socialized to be overly compliant, such as individuals from historically marginalized groups. Recognizing that obedience is not inherently virtuous allows for a more nuanced approach to navigating societal expectations.

The Deprogramming Starts Small

Anarchist Calisthenics isn’t about being loud. It’s about being awake. It’s about disrupting the script in your own mind before someone else uses it against you. You don’t have to shave your head, renounce your name, and take to the woods with a flare gun. You just have to stop treating obedience as a moral virtue.

Here’s what deprogramming might look like:

• Asking “Why?” before you comply.

• Not laughing at the boss’s joke just because everyone else does.

• Not apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong.

• Choosing silence instead of the forced pledge.

• Leaving a form half-filled because the questions are invasive.

• Refusing to kneel for the national anthem.

• Crossing an empty street, even when the sign says not to.

It might not feel radical. That’s the point. You’re not making a scene. You’re making space—mental, emotional, political—for autonomy. Remember, the goal isn't to incite chaos but to foster a society where authority is held accountable, and individuals are empowered to think and act independently.

By understanding the psychological underpinnings of obedience and actively practicing mindful noncompliance, we can begin to loosen the chains of unwarranted authority and reclaim our autonomy. This is about deliberate action in the face of unjust norms. This type of behavior takes practice, and build-up of mental muscle memory (hence the “calisthenics”). So, practice daily. Break the norm of unconditional compliance. Speak up. Walk away. Draw a line, or cross one. Whatever rebellion looks like to you, practice it every day, so when the time comes, you’re ready to act.

Bonus Material

I was watching this video when I got the inspiration for this blog post. It really hits home.